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Profile |
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Tuesday, June 29, 2010
recently there are too many things happened, maybe too many for me to handle. i'm somehow felt very tired. i wish i could help, a lot of thing around me. but sometime it just don't work out just like how i think. especially, i can't help to cheer you up when you are sad. it breaks me, i'm started to think maybe i really don't know you well. - like finally, cheng and winnie back together happily. please, both of you. don't quarrel or argue because of some misunderstanding created by some kinda son of the bitch alright. :/ i treat both of you, so specially just because i really know both of you love each other a lot. please at least, put more trust on each other. that's what you two lack of. (at least that what i think) be happy, and stop fucking kiss in front of me. it irritate me okay. -.- - you told me a lot things during phone, you're good. you been trying to fool everyone to buy your side of story? sorry, i'm not in the 'everyone', i judge thing with my own sense. you did great and good promise to me on the phone with me if thing goes exactly like what i said, you would give up and stay them alone. and you bloody break it this morning. thanks dickhead. oh anyway, you can keep on telling your bad ass side of yours to me or them. (no matter is real or fake) i don't give a damn. but let this be a WARNING to you and i'm FUCKING SERIOUS with you now.. you can go find anyone you want to make thing difficult for you, or us. BUT you better don't trouble her for any help, i don't like you meeting her. NOT even TEXT her. or i'll break your bone. we shall see how true this sentence are. - post something about my recent stuff. i quit my cathay job again. :/ (counted as suspend too) i know there are people gonna think its my fault again for screwing up. but the manager there seriously got problem. they ill treat a lot of cathay part timer, it's true! >:( just that a lot of staff never talk about it. nevermind. gonna find a new job soon. now i should relax for this few days, hoping i will getting better and back hitting the road. :) 6:25 AM
Monday, June 28, 2010
Oh, Death, оh Death, oh Death, Won't you spare me over til another year But what is this, that I cant see with ice cold hands taking hold of me When God is gone and the Devil takes hold, who will have mercy on your soul Oh, Death, оh Death, oh Death, No wealth, no ruin, no silver, no gold Nothing satisfies me but your soul Oh, Death, Well I am Death, none can excel, I'll open the door to heaven or hell. Oh, Death, оh Death, my name is Death and the end is here... O' Death - Jen Titus
10:02 AM
Friday, June 25, 2010
being apart with the one you loved, does that make me feel happy inside me? we loved each other but we can't be together. i tried to be happy, but i really can't. i will feel even sad after when the night falls. i'm tired, tired of thinking so much all night alone and staring in the air. perhaps you really scared of being hurt again. but do you ever think it hurt me more if you treat me like this? have you ever thought of it? asking me to give up and wanted all these to end because you are afraid. why do you have to be so cruel to me? i got feeling, and it hurting me so much! i'm afraid too, and it started again. i'm starting to feel scared. i don't want to fall in love with anyone anymore.. it's just too much.. 2:05 AM
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
what should i do.. i'm lost without you. i don't want to admit but, i really can't take it anymore.. i just don't know how to find to. and it's affect me to my brothers too.. these nine days, it's like hell. i carry on with my life, but i can't carry on smiling to others. i lost it.. i started to hide thing and behave very strange.. i'm scared.. 3:50 AM
you said i changed, because of her i changed to another person. you said i attitude you, because i'm moody and i show temper to you. if you really think so, what i can say you don't know me. you didn't know what i'm thinking. it killing me, every fucking single day whenever i wake up. you know how i felt? how i feel when everything affected me so much? you know how much i hate, how much i want to hurt myself? i always dare not to sleep at night. i keep on blaming myself every single night. when i heard about another thing that break me down, you know i goddamn cry for it? you know how bloody upset am i? i don't need you to care for me, just beside me and listen when i'm nagging. i didn't blame you, if you don't want all these from me i can stop. i don't know how to turn back to normal. i don't even know how to entertain other people. i'm sorry, to said all these to you. i'm a bad one, maybe a useless one to big your big brother. leave me alone if you can't stand me. i will be okay even i'm alone. it's better this way, i really don't want to hurt you. i know you got your own stress. it's your life, your decision. i won't choose for you anymore. 3:44 AM
Monday, June 21, 2010
when i saw it with my own eyes, i started to question the god. "why the fuck are you being so cruel to us?" a lot of thing happened recently, it's horrible. i dare not to imagine, everyone who know it seemed to turn crazy for it. what happened to us, slowly turn us to be a sinner soon. there are a lot of question in me. i wanted to ask but i can't find anyone to explain for it. i don't know who to tell. because it's a very horrible thing for me to know. i can't take it anymore. it's like the dream had shattered again. i already treat it as my love one. dear god, please don't take it away from us. if i killed him, will you feel happy for it? maybe i don't undstand how you feel. but i really want to say. i feel heartache, very. i don't know how to help. it's hard to use word to explain how i felt. it's something so fucking hard to be explain. i feel so useless, i'm like a trash. if i can use my hand to end it all, i'm willing to end it and pay for my life for it. 2:38 AM
Sunday, June 20, 2010
today its suppose to be the special day, the day that i celebrating with the person i love the most. but it seem not like what i expecting. yet i still wanted to say, happy 1st month. today went to celebrate lin qin's birthday at sentosa. i got myself sunburnt on the shoulder and nose. it's should be a very happy today, but i'm not. i'm sorry for leaving so early today, i promise next time shall be one whole day instead of half. :) i don't think i want to post much. i'm very tired, mentally and physically. all i know is, i just want to cry. it's hurt, really. 1:57 AM
Friday, June 18, 2010
i can't go to sleep, because it's so cold without you. yesterday my family and i went for the idiotic checkup, actually we don't have to go except for my dad. my mum stm again. -.- the doctor already said the medicine is only to prevent, it's not a cure. i was having gastric cramp while waiting for my dad's x-ray. it's been a long time since my gastric cramp. the feeling are like hell. i think i should take proper meal from now on. :/ we went to nearby market and took our breakfast, order porridge. i finally got back the feeling how others felt when they eat while having gastric. -_-ll we went back home around 11am, i straight away lie down and sleep till 2 plus. went to work as i overtake my someone's shift. it's so freaking tired! D: nevermind, at least the work for today quite slack. elyssa come to cwp today. thanks for company me after work! :) i realised everyone around me are having a lot of stress too. just that we are not stressing about the same thing. 5th day, my pathway are like hell. 3:23 AM
Thursday, June 17, 2010
it's 4.38am, morning now. still have to go for checkup early in the morning. damn bloody boring and tiring. -.- i hope everything i do now will never bring me regret. yesterday afternoon i met a friend at causeway arcade. he asked me to join him for lunch, instead i company him to eat as i ate earlier before. after moment later, he suddenly ask what happened to me. i was surprise, after awhile i told him i was tiring, over exhausted. he replied, you seemed to be sad. i denyed, but i don't know whether am i or not. it hurt, it really hurt me. i just don't know what to do. sometime, i just wish i could just sleep and never wake up. 5:00 AM
if being your listener will be easier than being your right one, let me be the listener then. it's been 4 days. to me, it just.. kinda hard for me. perhaps it's because i don't want to show it out? i do express it more or less, it doesn't help anymore. i want to hide it all. but i'm okay now. although it still hurt. but i'm willing to just to gain your smile and do anything, unconditionally. i don't want and i don't dare to ask much now. i just want you to be happy, find yourself a right one who really can take good care of you. when the time you got your own happiness, i will go. somewhere for me to rest, a really good rest. i finally got to see you today. i got the urge of crying, even now. but i did not. it seem you are happier now, let everything maintain this way.. it will be much happier, i will feel more happier. happy 17th birthday, 520. i wanted to tell you, but i just can't say it out.. 3:13 AM
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
if showing out will make you feel stress, i would rather hide it. i think of it, everytime, everyday. thinking all about you, just you. worry when you told me you are fine, worry when you told me you are sick. all these, are just because of you. i don't know who to tell, i don't even know who to express it all. i just sat down, being alone. stare in the air, being empty. i'm fine whenever surrounded by friends's care. but i'm back alone, staring in the air. smoking one stick and another. asking myself why. i need to quit smoking already. it seem like my illness is coming back for me. but i don't know how to numb myself without it. someone said i changed, i did not changed. that's how your brother are. i'm sorry if my attitude affected anyone of you who reading this. but, that's me. i just.. feel so lost. 1:33 AM
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Beautifully Imperfect Couple making imperfection to perfect, that's what i always wanted to. each and every relationship is what a person should experience, no matter its good or bad one. it's a test in our lives, to make us grown up more. past were meant for us to look back when we old, look how stupid and funny we are. but future were meant for us to dream. although i said i gave up, but i never forget what i sworn. the time may be short to prove it everything, but the promises are always there for me to keep. i can't post the video to the blog. :/ at least it's on my facebook. i guess no one really read through my blog so nevermind. 4:48 AM
Sunday, June 13, 2010
sometimes, i always wanted to find someone else to figure out what's love. i been hearing a lot of explanation about love, too many i think. everyone have different explaination, different views. that include me. i think that our own relationship is an explaination of love. it can be hurt, sometime too much and turn out be to pain. but i can be sweet, sometime too much and turn out to be tired. because human ourself are not perfect, that what we should know in life! if you think that you are not suitable, or you think he/she deserve someone better then you're wrong. thats what your partner choices, choosing you instead anybody else. then why you still be together when we two first together? relationship are for couple to communicate, know each other more. its totally different from marriage. i always want a simple relationship, a naive one. just that the world had changed, it make us not naive as before. having relationship failure once doesn't mean rest of it will be the same. same goes with other thing. i always think that my existance is a failure, i been bullied since i was young, i gave up on my life before. and of course relationship failure. i gave up before, for everything. i think that being this way i will feel happier, being alone i will feel better. days goes by, i turn out to be very short tempered, i found out that i'm not happy at all, i felt difficult to carry on. that's what life meant to be, it meant to be difficult for us to live! avoiding problem doesn't solve anything, it will only make you feel more and more difficult to carry on. don't let the past live with you, we have to live in the present and create our own future. thats why we always walk forward instead of backward. i want to create a future, a future inside there's you. leave the past and come to the present. and promise me to create the future with me. i promise with my life and soul, you will be my last and only woman i ever loved. 3:58 AM
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
your every words, every sentence from you were so hurting. i don't mind you push me away from you, but why. this time you don't mind hurting me with all of your word you can use? why do you have to say you not worth it when i never said anything? and if you really think leaving me now and it will be better for us, i can say you are just damn wrong! the tears, the feeling, the ache from my heart. it's much more worse than a punch right on my face. it almost got me faint just now. loving you is never easy, but hating you is never possible! i'm dumb, slow reaction. i really have no idea what the meaning behind every msg you sent me yesterday. i'm confused, i'm not feeling well. the feeling, is worse than dying. 4:33 AM
Monday, June 7, 2010
today i supposed to go to work this afternoon but i didn't. cause i know if i went to work today it will only make things worse. just treat it as another break for me to really go rest, even for this relationship. i feel so empty after so much things happened recently. it's like.. it's all empty. you tell me its all fake when i really think its real. i been trying to smile when i got back the chalet until i look at myself in the mirror and i'm not. your everything you said to me, every word. it always make me feel so happy. you told me that you read one of my msg and you smile in your shop and people was laughing at you. and now you telling me it's all lie? i'm sorry, i created a space of my own and i thought u were in there. it's just me alone? all the while i'm living in my own world? i just don't know what to react. i try to make it to become the truth. you tell me you don't want. i doubt its true because i don't it to be true. yesterday night, i total burstout 3 times. it wasn't enough. i'm afraid i will change again. it will not be the funny kian ann you ever seen again. if god really exist, i would like to ask you a question. why do people who heart are pure need to be treated so unfairly when people are suppose to be treated equally? why do people who heart are polluted will always get spared when they did something seriously unfair to the others? since the god not doing his job, i'll do his job. 5:40 PM
Saturday, June 5, 2010
it's been awhile since my last post. didn't really have the time to blog for it. too many things happened and i don't even know how to list it out all. i guess my blog had already turn to a ruin. :D lets just talk about recent stuff will do. i had been re-join back cathay cinesnax company but different branch. now i'm currently working at cwp cathay for part time. the things here are same like before when i'm in amk cathay, only the management and some colleagues are so i just receive a letter from CNPB asking me to apply for medical checkup few days ago. look like i'm really going ns soon enough which will make me feel happier last time but not now. although its still long till i get in there, i kinda miss me wifey. i really hope she will be okay when i'm inside the camp. how i hope when i'm in there my brothers are already book out and look after her. time fled, sooner or later i'm gonna one more older again. i'm not the kid that can still behave like last time where theres no worries for future. it's really two different world. i really hope everything will be fine for her. next year will be her major exam and i'm in camp, i'm start to think what can i do when she feeling down when road got rough and i can't even help her? i know she's independent enough, but after all when she wanted to rest i wish i could be the one who beside her pulling her up to the pathway again. as for my two little brothers, seem like kang grown up a lot. :) he know how to think for himself, he not the person who need me guide for him for every single thing anymore. this few days keep on worry about cheng's stuff. i know he got a lot of friends out there who really care for him. but i want him to learn more from me. that's what i should and i need to do. sorry if my characteristc is not what u wanted to become. i just want u to know everything i done for u till now are because of you. you are the one i can't put down right now. i know i owe u a lot a lot, from financial difficulty to NEA. but at least let me do the things right. let me show to u that your big bro are not useless at all. i been trying very hard to plan training and organise it and collecting fund from every members from the team of FHD and my mafia fellows. i know its been a hard time for all of you. sorry if i reckless anyone of you, especially june and chervin. i never want to withdraw u out of the team is because, i believe that when i can start it out when i was a noob so does all of you, if i'm the example u all wanted to be. just start it right and never fail to ask opinion from me, i will be always there guilding all of you. i'm sorry for the fund i collected from u all every week when theres training. the meaning of collecting the fund is for future we can organise a party which cost a bomb we could use that to cover up so that we won't have trouble for that. this coming nov will be our FHD inofficial one year anniversary. i never oraganise such a huge team before, although we are not official team, we are not the best players in locals. but still, you are the best. :) more details will be send when the time is up. alright, i'm kinda tired actually. :/ never sleep for two days. it had already reach my limit. baby although the date today didn't turn out smoothly as we plan, but as long i'm with u everything are fine to me. :) there are still lot more time for us. i love u alright? <3 i shall just stop here now. (hopefully most of them won't go see my blog, paiseh) :x 5:52 AM
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